November 14, 2012

a roller coaster of emotion

when the doctor put mc in my arms all i could see was him. everything around me blurred and the only thing in focus was that little babe in my arms. now, it could have the immeasurable amounts of love that i didn't know i was capable of or it could have been the generous amount of oxygen i was loaded with-i had to wear an oxygen mask while pushing because i was getting light-headed and losing steam. i'm not certain what caused the myopic vision but i do remember thinking, "this boy is all mine...forever....i get to keep him and i'm never letting go". and then it hit me, it took all of 5 minutes before the baby blues set in..."he's going to go off to college. he's going to get married. he won't stay with me forever.". these were just a few of the ridiculous thoughts that brought me crashing down. so that's what people mean when they speak of a roller coaster of emotion? it's not a fun roller coaster, it's more like sitting in the last seat on the texas giant. it's brutal. all of the sudden it seemed perfectly reasonable why sybil stone (from the family stone) wanted her sons to be gay or why some mom's let encourage their 35 yr old sons to live at home. they want to keep their boys close. they want to be needed.  doesn't it seem a little selfish? yes, but isn't their selfishness justifiable? yes. and i can totally relate. i carried this boy around for 9 months. i kept him safe. we did everything together. we ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and several snacks together. we went on walks together. we got heartburn and hiccups together. we lost sleep together. we watched our saturday morning 'gilmore girls' marathons together. he came to work with me. he was the peace amidst the 7th grade madness (i still have nightmares of my 6th period class). these women are selfish and so am i.  i want to be the only woman he ever loves. i want to keep him forever. i want him to need me. i want him to be a mama's boy. i know what you're thinking...."this poor kid doesn't have a chance."  don't you feel sorry for him? don't you want to rescue him from his crazy mother?

after a little time and a lot of prayers, i finally got it "together". praise be to God that the baby blues doesn't last too long (even though it feels way too long when you're in the thick of it). i realized i need to take the focus off of me and my needs and instead, focus on mclain and his needs. i spend time praying for wisdom, to know what my role is in this boy's life. praying for strength in letting go and giving him to God. praying that mclain may know and love Jesus.  praying that mclain may love himself and others well. praying that he may end up with someone who makes him a better person and loves him more than i do and that he accepts nothing less. am i still selfish? yes. am i perfect? no. is mclain perfect? yes--well, he's pretty stinkin' close :)

~s.

his little praying hands! this picture is an oldie by goodie. it's the wallpaper on my phone....so he can still go everywhere i go ;)

7 comments:

  1. I have been the most blessed to know that I did indeed hand my sons over to women who actually managed to love them more than me...which I thought was impossible!
    Motherhood is the duality of selfishness and sacrifice....you are doing just fine, Sweetheart.

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  2. I think you bring up a common struggle amongst mothers, however I couldn't help but notice it seemed to have a gender based theme (this is the sociology professor coming out in me). Is the struggle the same for mothers with daughters? would we want our 35 year old daughter to move back in with us? would we want our daughters to be a lesbian so their father is the only man they love? Do we have different expectations of love based on the biological sex of our children? I would hope there is no difference, but I have not given birth yet. You can't love MC too much and his future wife or husband will love you for loving him:)

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    1. I can totally relate to Shayna concerning my sons AND my daughter. I wanted her to live upstairs for her whole life, devote herself to God alone, and hang out with me, always thinking that I was the coolest! That can't and shouldn't be reality, but when they are babies, totally dependent on you, you know that there is much in the big world out there that will hurt them. It is a certainty. And the very thought of that is almost unbearable for any good parent.
      Luckily, it takes a while for kids to grow up, so you get a while to continue to let them go, even when the big bad world does hurt them.

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  3. ahhh shayna. you are such a great mom. you are doing such a great job. and i love the reference to that scene from Family Stone. love you friend

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  4. thank you ladies!
    kimmi, i often wonder if i would be just as crazy with a daughter? maybe one day i'll know. i also wonder if i have another boy if i'll go through the same feelings or if my heart will be more prepared? i guess we'll have to wait and see.

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    1. Thanks for the response Kelly with coffee, I am so curious about that kind of stuff. Shayna, I wonder that all the time too:) I find out the sex of my nugget in a week and a half and am already wondering if there will be differences in parenting boys vs girls. I've heard a lot of parents feel like you (i'll find out come April!!) you're a great mama no matter how crazy you feel, apparently its totally normal to feel that way

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    2. thank you sweet friend! let me know as soon as you know!

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