a roller coaster of emotion

when the doctor put mc in my arms all i could see was him. everything around me blurred and the only thing in focus was that little babe in my arms. now, it could have the immeasurable amounts of love that i didn't know i was capable of or it could have been the generous amount of oxygen i was loaded with-i had to wear an oxygen mask while pushing because i was getting light-headed and losing steam. i'm not certain what caused the myopic vision but i do remember thinking, "this boy is all mine...forever....i get to keep him and i'm never letting go". and then it hit me, it took all of 5 minutes before the baby blues set in..."he's going to go off to college. he's going to get married. he won't stay with me forever.". these were just a few of the ridiculous thoughts that brought me crashing down. so that's what people mean when they speak of a roller coaster of emotion? it's not a fun roller coaster, it's more like sitting in the last seat on the texas giant. it's brutal. all of the sudden it seemed perfectly reasonable why sybil stone (from the family stone) wanted her sons to be gay or why some mom's let encourage their 35 yr old sons to live at home. they want to keep their boys close. they want to be needed.  doesn't it seem a little selfish? yes, but isn't their selfishness justifiable? yes. and i can totally relate. i carried this boy around for 9 months. i kept him safe. we did everything together. we ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and several snacks together. we went on walks together. we got heartburn and hiccups together. we lost sleep together. we watched our saturday morning 'gilmore girls' marathons together. he came to work with me. he was the peace amidst the 7th grade madness (i still have nightmares of my 6th period class). these women are selfish and so am i.  i want to be the only woman he ever loves. i want to keep him forever. i want him to need me. i want him to be a mama's boy. i know what you're thinking...."this poor kid doesn't have a chance."  don't you feel sorry for him? don't you want to rescue him from his crazy mother?

after a little time and a lot of prayers, i finally got it "together". praise be to God that the baby blues doesn't last too long (even though it feels way too long when you're in the thick of it). i realized i need to take the focus off of me and my needs and instead, focus on mclain and his needs. i spend time praying for wisdom, to know what my role is in this boy's life. praying for strength in letting go and giving him to God. praying that mclain may know and love Jesus.  praying that mclain may love himself and others well. praying that he may end up with someone who makes him a better person and loves him more than i do and that he accepts nothing less. am i still selfish? yes. am i perfect? no. is mclain perfect? yes--well, he's pretty stinkin' close :)

~s.

his little praying hands! this picture is an oldie by goodie. it's the wallpaper on my phone....so he can still go everywhere i go ;)